And I'll Stand, with Arms High and Heart Abandoned; In Awe, of the One who made it All.

This morning I grabbed my Bible and my devotional and my journal and took a walk. Sometimes it can be so hard amongst the busyness of the day to just sit and spend time in personal devotion. I have written so many blogs about all that I have done to fill my days here, but I want to share some of the struggles that I go through while I am here as well.

This is what I wrote in my journal this morning:

“

I am in Africa. I am sitting all alone in the stillness of the morning before the heat of the sun comes above the beautiful mountains. As I look around me, I have palm trees, I have hundreds of butterflies floating around, I see the haze of the morning slowly lift above the hillside in the distance. How can I say that I can see all of this from where I am sitting and not be in awe of the one who made it all?

Because I am a lukewarm Christian, that’s why.

This morning my devotional was about “serving leftovers to a Holy God.” As I read it for the first time, it scared the crap out of me. God doesn’t want a lukewarm believer. But as I read it a second and third time, I realize that this is my opportunity to grow.

God wants us all or nothing. The thought of a person calling themselves a “Christian” without being a devoted follower of Christ is crazy.

Many times I feel like I am willing to make changes in my life if I think it will affect my salvation. I go through periods of spiritual highs where I feel God telling me to pull it together and do what He is calling me to do, and then there are all the other days when I find it hard or pointless or selfishly, a waste of time to do devotions or pray or spend time with God.

Sadly, these days come more often than those where I feel overwhelmed by God’s love.

That’s not how I want it to be.

There are struggles that everyone has; there are struggles that I have. Money, sex, gossip, relationships, lies. As I sit back and think about the things that give me temporary love and temporary happiness, I realize that they are nothing. I am nothing without God. All or nothing.

“In the midst of our failed attempts at loving Jesus, His grace covers us.”

That is what keeps me going. It’s super hard. I cannot do it alone. I see other people being true to who they are. I see other people demonstrating that they are Christians without shame. I see other people who have a stronger relationship with God than I do. I will never be perfect, but the truth that God’s grace is enough to help us through our struggles is enough to keep me going.

“It is easy to fill ourselves up with other things and then give God whatever is left.”

The hardest part about this is the reality that I do it consciously. I know that I don’t give Him enough; in time, in prayer, in offering. I give Him what is left so that I will feel like I have done my part. But this isn’t enough. “God is holy. In heaven exists a Being who decides whether or not I take another breath. This holy God deserves excellence, the very best I have.” ...then why is it so hard?

As I sit back and reflect on life and specifically on this trip and my time in Africa, there are times when I am having the time of my life. I love it here. These times are usually in the busiest times.

Then, in the quiet, and in the times when there isn’t anything going on, it’s easy to wonder why I am here.

Petra and I found a quote in the cabinet in our house from Melissa, (thank you Mel!) that says, “The place you are in, needs YOU today.” –Katherine Logan.

God’s definition of what matters is pretty straightforward. He measures our lives by how we love.

1 Corinthians 13:2-3, “If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.”

“According to God, we are here to love. Not much else really matters.”

If, in the quietness of this amazing opportunity, I can simply love these women that I have been called to teach, that is enough for me. If I can care about them, work for their good instead of my own, and pray for them; that is enough.

”

I did not write this to pour my faults out on you, but I need your prayers. I need your encouragement and love. Pray that I would seek God in the stillness of this beautiful country and love these beautiful women of God so that I can make, if but a small difference in their lives.